Announcement

Died in a Blogging Accident has lived up to its name and died... in a blogging accident. That is to say it has concluded. You can still re-live the magic by clicking here to start at chapter 1. For genuine criticism of XKCD, please click the top link to the right (XKCD Isn't Funny).

Monday, March 31, 2014

Facebook Acquisition

Sometimes when a once-in-a-lifetime golden opportunity comes along, you just have to chase it, drop everything, and pursue it as your ultimate dream. That is what happened when I joined Xkcd-sucks in 2011. And while I haven't been here from the very beginning, I have watched Hyphen grow for a blag that averaged only tens of views a day, to one that regularly reaches into the triple figures. And we couldn't have done it without you cuddlefish. We have been on an incredible journey together. And now we are ready to embark on the next stage of that journey.

I am proud to announce that Facebook has decided to purchase us for £5500 million (or just over $9000 billion USD). Xkcd-sucks will become part of the Facebook family. This is a very big day for all of us.

Mark Zuckerberg with our founder, Gamer_2k4, as we sealed the deal

Xkcd-sucks was purchased in the same round of acquisitions that included Oculus VR, a startup that is building the next generation of virtual reality. We don't really have much in common with Oculus, or indeed Facebook for that matter. So naturally the purchase was a perfect match. Confused? Let me explain to you how it works. I won't go into every detail of acquisition process, because it's complicated, but I'll simply it enough for a goy to understand:

Facebook's board of directors all take it in turns to write the names of companies on different segments of a giant coloured wheel. Each of these is a company that Facebook could probably get away with buying if it wanted to. Mark Zuckerberg then spins the Wheel Of Acquisitions, and decides to purchase whatever company the spinner lands on. This method has been used before to purchase Instagram and WhatsApp.

I told you it was complicated.

I later got a phone call from Mark (whom I might add is a nice Jewish boy), telling me that first class flights were waiting to take us Facebook HQ in California. There we hashed out the deal over coffee and matzos. I was the one who negotiated the price.

The conditions of the deal were as follows:
  • Xkcd-sucks to pay all of its profits to Facebook Inc.
  • £7.5 million (about $12 million USD) to be granted annually for the Xkcd-sucks division to keep producing its wonderful content.
  • Gamer_2k4 to join the board of directors at Facebook Inc.
  • Facebook Inc. to assume copyright of all thoughts, ideas and concepts related on this blag.
  • Remaining funds are to be paid to Xkcd-sucks founders in Facebook shares and long term bonds.

FAQ (or what do these changes mean for you)
  • What will happen to the Xkcd-sucks blag?
In short, not a lot. We have struck a deal with the big F that allows us to carry on as pretty much the same company we were before, only with more money :). Facebook sees our potential, and knows better than to mess with a winning formula.
  • Will I be able to keep my anonymity?
Absolutely. Facebook values your privacy, and we all agree that it is something you shouldn't have to think about. You will always be able to post anonymously, but you may notice some new commenting options, such as Wordpress, OpenID, Blogger accounts, and more.
  • Will we get any new features such as Facebook integration?
There are no current plans for integrating with Facebook. However, with Facebook's backing, we might have enough cash to bring back old favourites like Xkcd Forums Bingo, and more. Watch this space!
  • Will there be an Xkcd-sucks page on Facebook?
We are not sure if there is a market for such a product. Facebook will be carrying out market research to  decide whether we will get funded for that. We'll let you know of any developments in that area.
  • Wait, do you even use Facebook at all?
No.
Facebook understands the importance of our relationship with Twitter, and will allow this partnership to continue for the foreseeable future.
  • What will happen to Died in a Blogging Accident?
Facebook will hold the movie rights until a suitable director can be found. Our plans of a July release date for the original text remain unchanged.
  • What does Randall think of this?
He remains in open negotiations with both Apple and Google for the sale of the Xkcd webcomic. At this point a sale is unlikely. He declined to comment on the Xkcd-sucks acquisition.

Gamer_2k4 and Zuck taking a tour of my new office

It's been an amazing three years. Here's to three more! Remember that every cuddlefish made it happen. Let us know what you think of this deal in the comment section below. And don't forget to share your favourite Xkcd-sucks moments.

16 comments:

  1. This is straight-up weird, man.

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    1. Weird? In what way - can you elaborate?

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  2. This must be the result of Randall's attempts to shill Google+. With these new tools in our arsenal, we may yet be on the verge of victory over the reviled xkcd.

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    1. I highly doubt it, as defeating Xkcd would be bad for our business. But I suppose it would be good for Facebook's business. Hmm...

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  3. Gamer_2neckbeard4's new-found wealth begs the question: is he single?

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    1. He is, in his own words, married to the job. So it depends, are you younger and hotter than Gamer's current occupation?

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    2. It does not beg the question; it raises the question. But I'll let it slide this time.

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    3. cptnoremac, you are an embrassament.

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    4. I'm not an embrassament; I'm the embrassament. But I'll let it slide this time.

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    5. But you forget AultF, easy as this is to do.

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  4. The comment section here still sucks. Why can't you make it so that I'm forced to have a Google+ account before I can comment? That would be great. And great is good.

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    Replies
    1. If it makes you feel any better, everything you type here is being tracked and sold to advertisers.

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  5. How come you aren't in any of the pictures jon?

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    Replies
    1. Who do you think was taking the pictures?

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  6. Please do comic number 1350.

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  7. Starting today, every xkcd comic will be crowdsourced. Randall will casually introduce a few unique panels into the random number generator every so often, but all lines of dialogue will be user-submitted.

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