I am proud to announce that Facebook has decided to purchase us for £5500 million (or just over $9000 billion USD). Xkcd-sucks will become part of the Facebook family. This is a very big day for all of us.
Mark Zuckerberg with our founder, Gamer_2k4, as we sealed the deal
Xkcd-sucks was purchased in the same round of acquisitions that included Oculus VR, a startup that is building the next generation of virtual reality. We don't really have much in common with Oculus, or indeed Facebook for that matter. So naturally the purchase was a perfect match. Confused? Let me explain to you how it works. I won't go into every detail of acquisition process, because it's complicated, but I'll simply it enough for a goy to understand:
Facebook's board of directors all take it in turns to write the names of companies on different segments of a giant coloured wheel. Each of these is a company that Facebook could probably get away with buying if it wanted to. Mark Zuckerberg then spins the Wheel Of Acquisitions, and decides to purchase whatever company the spinner lands on. This method has been used before to purchase Instagram and WhatsApp.
I told you it was complicated.
I later got a phone call from Mark (whom I might add is a nice Jewish boy), telling me that first class flights were waiting to take us Facebook HQ in California. There we hashed out the deal over coffee and matzos. I was the one who negotiated the price.
The conditions of the deal were as follows:
- Xkcd-sucks to pay all of its profits to Facebook Inc.
- £7.5 million (about $12 million USD) to be granted annually for the Xkcd-sucks division to keep producing its wonderful content.
- Gamer_2k4 to join the board of directors at Facebook Inc.
- Facebook Inc. to assume copyright of all thoughts, ideas and concepts related on this blag.
- Remaining funds are to be paid to Xkcd-sucks founders in Facebook shares and long term bonds.
FAQ (or what do these changes mean for you)
- What will happen to the Xkcd-sucks blag?
- Will I be able to keep my anonymity?
Absolutely. Facebook values your privacy, and we all agree that it is something you shouldn't have to think about. You will always be able to post anonymously, but you may notice some new commenting options, such as Wordpress, OpenID, Blogger accounts, and more.
- Will we get any new features such as Facebook integration?
There are no current plans for integrating with Facebook. However, with Facebook's backing, we might have enough cash to bring back old favourites like Xkcd Forums Bingo, and more. Watch this space!
- Will there be an Xkcd-sucks page on Facebook?
We are not sure if there is a market for such a product. Facebook will be carrying out market research to decide whether we will get funded for that. We'll let you know of any developments in that area.
- Wait, do you even use Facebook at all?
- What about Jon Levi's Twitter?
Facebook understands the importance of our relationship with Twitter, and will allow this partnership to continue for the foreseeable future.
- What will happen to Died in a Blogging Accident?
Facebook will hold the movie rights until a suitable director can be found. Our plans of a July release date for the original text remain unchanged.
- What does Randall think of this?
He remains in open negotiations with both Apple and Google for the sale of the Xkcd webcomic. At this point a sale is unlikely. He declined to comment on the Xkcd-sucks acquisition.
It's been an amazing three years. Here's to three more! Remember that every cuddlefish made it happen. Let us know what you think of this deal in the comment section below. And don't forget to share your favourite Xkcd-sucks moments.