Comic 971: Randall's Rants

Title: Alternative Literature; alt-text: I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you're giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying--it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.

Oh. My. Gosh. I don't know which to criticize first, the comic or the alt-text! This should even be a problem, because normally the two are at least somewhat related. Not this time!

Or, you know what, maybe they are. Maybe the comic is some sort of allegory about homeopathic medicine and how it's like reading blank books. But if that's the case, it needs a LOT of work, because no one's going to naturally assume that from context unless they've just read the alt-text (which makes a completely different point!)

See, until I read the alt-text (ironic, isn't it, that Randall adds novel-length alt-text in a comic about wordless books), I assumed he was just doing what he always does: setting up a strawman that doesn't exist and laughing at him. Look at it. Even the structure of the comic emphasizes just how clueless Randall is about what he's doing wrong. "Not true; there's some ink" and "a smudge" are completely useless to the point the character is making. Guy 1 says something. Guy 2 argues a different point. It's a perfect metaphor for today's update, if Guy 1 is the alt-text and Guy 2 is the the strip itself.

Is this making any sense? Well, at least it can't make any less sense than Comic 971. I mean, I've spent three paragraphs (coming up on four) ranting about this strip and I haven't even addressed its subject matter yet! That's bad, folks.

Look, the joke here is friggin' simple. "All your books are blank!" "My mind makes the books, and I refuse be a part of a system that says otherwise. I'm no sucker." "And you paid how much for these?" I can't stand xkcd, and even I smiled at the "Who sold you all these blank books?" line. You know why? Because that's the punch line! That's the joke! We don't need all these other panels of pointless dialogue!


Image by SinbadEV

But Randall's not content to ruin his comic with an awful setup and a too-delayed punchline. Oh no. Nope, he has to get on one of his, "Boy, people are stupid, and companies just take advantage of them. It's too bad they're not as smart as me" high horses. Carl from xkcdsucks (the original blog; remember when it wasn't awful?) said all there is to say about this sort of thing, so I'll just link to his rant here. In short, it says that people aren't stupid, they know that just because you put two different things together they aren't the same thing, and Randall's a complete douchebag for assuming otherwise.

I dunno, maybe I'm tired and hopped up on pain pills. If I'm missing some deeper point here, someone please tell me. Until then, I'm going to believe that this is just an awful, awful strip, and one of the worst Randall's done in recent memory.


P.S. I was in such disbelief when I read the alt-text, I actually screenshotted it in case Randy changes it. It's just...what was he thinking??

Comic 946: Randall Draws Cars

Title: Family Decals; alt-text: My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.

Wow, an almost not-terrible comic. There are no words (major bonus points), the cars look passable, and he uses his traditional stick figure art to excellent effect. From a technical perspective, this is almost the perfect comic.

Except.

The point Randall's making is so wrong it makes me want to punch him in the face. Who do you think you're kidding, Randall? Sure, you probably think that you're so smart for picking money instead of kids. "I could have kids, or I could be RICH AND SUCCESSFUL ALL THE TIME." Don't even start that garbage. You're not going to have kids because one, you have no idea how, two, you're a glorified T-shirt salesman who has to jack up prices probably just to support himself, and who flat out can't afford a family, and three, you know (along with everyone else) that you would be an absolutely awful parent.

The "kids cost money" concept is so far from being new or insightful that I want to punch Randall again, just for good measure. Everyone knows kids cost money. They also cry, keep you up at night, ruin everything that's not welded down, and are messy. They're also wonderful little human beings who will someday grow up to be intelligent, contributing members of society (if, you know, you don't suck balls as a parent). They're something you end up loving more than life itself. Kids are a fantastic blessing, and reducing them to a matter of money/not money just makes you a complete dick.

Also, it's worth noting that no one in the forums has any idea what the heck the alt-text refers to. Just Randall being retardedly obscure again.

Comic 939: Brick Joke

Or, Alt-Text: The Works of a Man Who Sucks at Movie Titles. A man who can't see a joke when it's right in front of his face, COMING FROM HIS OWN THOUGHTS.


Title: Arrow; alt-text: 'The Return of the Boomerang' would make a great movie title.

No, Randall. No, it wouldn't make a great movie title. BUT IT WOULD MAKE A GREAT FREAKING TITLE FOR THIS COMIC, YOU HACK! Look! You have this idea, and in the right context - THIS context - it would work for something! You have a TRIPLE meaning here and you just threw it into the alt-text! What's wrong with you?

1) The comic is about a returning boomerang.
2) The comic is a return to the boomerang comics.
3) "Return of the..." is a common title that you'd be parodying.

Wow.

There's no avoiding it: This comic is awful. It's what Jon Levi would call a Brick Joke; way the heck back in Comic 475, a guy threw a boomerang and it never came back. Where did it go? Well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Isn't Randall smart?

Well, no, no he isn't. The original boomerang strips were so bad that they triggered one of Carl's angriest rants. This one is no better. I'm not even going to give him credit for keeping the word count down, because UNNECESSARY DIALOGUE SHOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE FOR A SEASONED CARTOONIST. The last strip put him in some serious debt that he's not going to be out of for a while anyway, so screw that.

So what's the joke here? Simple: There is no joke. There is a reference to an older strip, and referential humor is not humor at all. Remember how everyone was all "The cake is a lie!" when Portal came out? Remember how it wasn't funny? Remember why? It's because simply quoting or otherwise referencing something and not adding into it means you're doing jack in the way of humor. Randall's no stranger to doing jack in the way of humor (counting this post, we've reviewed 27 strips, and 11 of those have had the no joke tag), but somehow, that hasn't ceased ticking me off yet.

There's really not much more to say than that. A guy shoots an arrow and a boomerang comes back. He acts surprised. Why? Was he expecting an arrow to return instead? Did the arrow turn into a boomerang midway through its flight? Did it just drop out of the sky? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. All we know is that a guy shoots an arrow (not a joke) and catches a boomerang (not a joke). That makes it WORSE than the original boomerang strips, which were already all kinds of bad. At least there, the punchlines (something wacky returning, or nothing at all returning) were set up by a guy throwing a boomerang and expecting it back by the last panel. This doesn't even have a setup.

Look. Randall. Referencing old strips that weren't funny will not make you funny. It's a sign of laziness. It's a sign of a poor (non-existent?) sense of humor. It's a sign that you're a freaking hack.

Stop writing drawing posting this garbage.


P.S. Prolific commenter UndercoverCuddlefish notes on the other hate blog:

honestly what makes a brick joke entertaining is the sense of looking back and realizing that the comedian planned for the punchline well in advance

there is a sort of enjoyable release associated with being outwitted by the comedian as the punchline to the brick joke arrives mere moments after you completely forget about the setup

this shit is not even close to comparable

He goes on to make some more decent points, so take a look at the link. I should get him to write guest reviews.

Comic 934: Lost for Words

Title: Loss; alt-text: Ok, so I'll bet some people just said "That's it, I'm not reading this comic anymore!", and that's fine, I respect that decision. Thank you for reading.

Okay Randall, what the fuck.

At first sight, yep, it's another cancer comic. And there are no words. Now for once I wish it were a comic with too many words, so at least we'd get an explanation for what the hell's going on! The context is not clear at all, as Randall is neither showing or telling. Why is the guy rushing to the hospital? It's hard to tell if Megan is having a cancer or a miscarriage.

On top of everything the comic as a whole shows a dramatic mood-swing from 'hey cancer is fun, derp' to wordless angst. Think about this: two days ago Randall posted a comic that make radiation therapy sound all sci-fi and badass. This is just what happens when a webcomic author decides to insert unnecessary drama into an otherwise lighthearted comic that wasn't that good in the first place. If this doesn't cross the line into Wangst, I don't know what does.

On a slightly positive note, the artwork is slightly better than usual. It still ultimately fails because it's impossible to convey emotion in people who don't have faces!

The forumites are already sucking it up. Comments like this are everywhere.

So sad... so much there is said by so little. I want to cry.

I do not expect you read these comments, but I just want to say to Randall, your comic has been the highlight of my day for the last four years. Just know that no matter what happens, there will always be at least one adoring fan for you to talk to.

I can't help thinking there's another comic that this really reminds me of...

Ah yes, its 383.

And yes, this review is not at all serious.

Comic 933: Cancer is the new Wikipedia

Title: Tattoo; alt-text: I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).

Well, all the fanfiction was right. Megan's the one with cancer. And SHE LOVES IT.

You know, I've tried to hold off on making fun of Randall's situation. Cancer sucks, and you never want anyone to get it. Even if you hate someone or their work, it's crossing the line to make fun of an illness in their family.

BUT HOLY BALLS RANDALL. Give it a freaking rest already! I never thought I'd hope for a return to the Wikipedia comics, but please. Bring them on. I'm sick and tired of hearing about cancer. And you know what, maybe it's not even that. Maybe I'm just sick and tired of awful, awful comics that use cancer their focal point.

And that's what this is: an awful comic. The strip is little more than "Want to see my tattoo?" "I HAVE CANCER" "You're right, my tattoo sucks." You know why you should hate barbed wire tattoos? BECAUSE THEY'RE DOUCHEY. "I need chemotherapy" is NOT a valid form of tattoo oneupmanship. In fact, it's not a valid response to anything except maybe some tool whining about how badly his life sucks. But that's not the setup, is it?

The idea here seems to (maybe?) be that anything, even cancer, can sound freaking awesome if you put it in the right terms. But you know what? IT'S STILL CANCER. Megan is DYING and all the guy can think is, "Gee, no one shoots particles at MY tattoo. I'm so ashamed."

The reaction is completely disproportionate to Megan's already inappropriate boasts. Megan SHOULD have said something like, "So...you got a tattoo to look like a dickhead? Mine is there to SAVE MY LIFE." But she doesn't even mention that side of it! Instead, she just brags about her cancer tat like it's a good thing, and the guy totally buys it. Oh, and what's with the "I'll just put a shirt on" line? Is the barbed wire tattooed across your WAIST or something? Well then you really are a tool. Welcome to Doucheville, population you.

The art? Awful. My biggest issue is the zooming in on that faceless oval of a head. It looks bad. Really bad. And the floating head issue is especially egregious as well, most notably in the second panel. I had thought once that it was just a stylistic choice of Randall's to draw that way, but given the inconsistencies, I'm pretty sure he just draws the bodies first and tries to add a head. Is it really so hard to do it the other way around?

And of course, the alt-text is retarded. Really? They didn't let you test that theory? Man, if only I had some indicator of that, like you using the words "I calculate" instead of "I've proven." Oh wait, you did that? Huh. Guess you're just grabbing at straws for SOME joke, even in the alt-text, since you sure didn't manage to fit one into the strip itself.

I had hoped to be able to use the "worst of xkcd" label sparingly. I guess I should've known better.

Comic 919: NFGYAH ASDFNAW PXCNDS WHYYYYY

What? What is it Randall? What do you want? Name it! Make it stop! How could you...what is...I don't even...

AUGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHG

Oh. Some of you may not know what my brain is melting for. Here.


Title: Tween Bromance; alt-text: Verbiage. Va-jay-jay. Irregardless.

The xkcd forumites (an apparently exiled people now that there's no forum link on the xkcd main page) have indicated that this strip is derived solely from a 30-page thread about words they hate. If that's true, that makes this the second worst comic Randall has ever made (beaten only by the infamous 631).

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, this comic was written ONLY to make the fans rage. Think about it! You have probably hundreds of people saying, "I can't stand this word, I can't stand that word," so what does Randall do? HE DRAWS A FREAKING COMIC STRIP WITH THE WORST OF THE WORST.

And he knows it, too! As evidenced by the reaction of Megan in the strip, this is an effort being made only to annoy, irritate, and liquefy the brains of whoever reads/hears it. Look. Sometimes Randall is just lazy. Sometimes he's so lazy that he'll just write out a sentence intended to bug the readers (one that doesn't even make sense, for that matter). But never, NEVER has he been so lazy and mean-spirited to take what HIS OWN FANS explicitly say they hate and just dish it up like that, with nothing else as context! (And if someone on the forums says "goomhr i hate those words too", so help me, I will rape that person with an angry porcupine.)

And when I say "nothing else as context," boy, do I mean it. If you don't know about the forum thing (and you probably don't, given that you CAN'T ACCESS THEM FROM THE MAIN PAGE ANYMORE), who can say what's going on? Was the stick man dictating something to Megan, changing up the words as a cruel joke? Was he quoting something he found on the internet? Does he just walk up to her and say that for no reason at all other than that he's Randall's avatar and Randall is a complete dick?

I couldn't figure out if Randall was trying to make fun of pre-teens and how they talk, or bad fanfiction writers, or furries, or if it was something else all together. Is he referencing something? Is there a precedent for this somewhere? Who knows?

My face started contorting in twitchy disgust by the time I hit the second panel. I haven't felt physical uneasiness from an xkcd since the milk strip (YOU MADE ME GOOGLE "XKCD LACTATION" TO GET THAT LINK I HATE YOU SO MUCH RANDALL DIE DIE DIE), but I did when reading this one. And then I get to the third panel to see Megan doing the exact same thing! Do you get what happened? RANDALL MADE ME IDENTIFY WITH ONE OF HIS CHARACTERS. I never want to be in an xkcd, and I especially don't want to be the stick representation of the girl he's stalking. It's bad enough when Randall includes the readers (me) in his strips unfairly (like here), but when I'm actually IN the strip, in anguish, that's all kinds of messed up. It's messed up that I'm there to begin with, and it's even more messed up that I'm there because Randall KNEW he'd be injuring he readers and put an avatar of us in the strip to prove it.

And the alt-text? What alt-text? It's just more words that we find offensive. Even after the strip is done, even after assaulting us with this supposed "joke" in the title and across all four panels, Randall still doesn't let up. It's like he doesn't even care about his readers! Then again, why should he, given that the original poster in this comic's thread said, "I understand every word but not the comic itself :(", following it up with "And thus my vexation has been alleviated," once the strip was explained. Really? You're okay with being reamed by Randall as long as you know why?

Luckily, not all of the forumites are like him. Most are confused, hurt, miss the point (attempting to sing the title to the tune of "Bad Romance"), or ask what happened to the forum link. Some speculate it's because Randall just posted a a bunch of personal information and wanted to dissuade discussion. He disabled comments for that particular post after all, so perhaps. But if so, that's just the feather in the hat of this awful, awful day for xkcd and xkcd fans. Randall's pulling the strings like a freaking puppeteer. "I'm going to say my piece, but YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT! Oh, here's something to take your mind off that: BROMANCE GUESSTIMATE FRENEMY YIFFED PREGGERS BARBARA STREISAND".

Seriously, Randall, CARE A LITTLE. I know you've got a fanbase who'll generally lap up anything you put before them, but don't abuse that! When they made the "least favorite word" thread, it wasn't subtitled, "Give Randall ideas for his next fan hate strip!" If your fans want to shove drills into their ears and pour bleach into their eyes, they'll do it. Don't give them a reason.


P.S. As I was reading the xkcdsucks comments, someone mentioned Megan's transforming chair. Chalk up another point of failure for this comic (lazy, mean, and now quite possibly the future recipient of a stealth edit).