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THIS IS 100% THE CANON ENDING.
“No matter what happens now
I shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen”
—Radiohead
Rob Mason stood above his similarly-initialed counterpart. He was holding a sharpened plastic sword against Randall Munroe’s chest. Randy had started the fight with a similar blade, but it was currently stuff in a crater that had been left by a stray overvolted laptop battery.
“I… win.” Rob breathed, panting from the effort of the incredibly dramatic and entertaining battle that had just happened. “And soon,” he continued, “XKCD won’t suck anymore, for XKCD will be no more.”
It had been a long journey to this point, full of twists, turns, friends, enemies, celebrity cameos, and run-on sentences. Rob was almost sad to see it all end. Almost.
With a tempered glee, the blogger prepared to stab the webcomic artist through the heart. Randy didn’t say anything, instead racking his brain trying to think of a quotable one-liner.
The very air seemed to hold still as Rob drew his weapon back.
“Wait!” a lone voice cried out, not quite distant but not yet close either.
Both men turned their heads towards the source. It was a tall, unshaven male in a gray hoodie and jeans with dark, messy hair, making an awkward shuffle-run up the path to the summit of the mountain.
“Wait! Don’t kill him!” he yelled, a northeastern accent slurring the latter two words together.
After an awkward few seconds of stretching out the pause in the climatic death scene, Rob looked back at Randy, wondering if this was Mr. Munroe’s last resource. But Randy looked just as confused as he did.
In another thirty seconds, the unkempt surprise had reached the circle that had been the battleground for the last three chapters.
“It doesn’t have to be like this.” he said, pausing between words to breathe, heavier than would have been expected.
The two men looked back and forth between the newcomer and each other, their previous characterization melting a little.
“XKCD isn’t funny, that’s true.” The stranger began, stepping over and around the vestiges of battle. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t be. Randy, you’ve come up with some really, really good comics this last month. I just want to see that happen more often.”
The aforementioned ex-NASA employee slowly reached up with an uncertain hand to push the sharpened plastic sword aside. Rob let him. After a moment, the three were standing in a triangular formation within the larger circle.
Several weeks later, XKCD’s new editor had just woken up and was sitting down to read through a small stack of drafts. He wrote up his criticism and revisions, in a slightly kinder tone than usual, before sending them back to Randy.
The artist of the internet’s most popular webcomic checked his email, noting the changes and arriving at a happy medium that would again be sure to please his readers, old and new. Below his editor’s email there was another list of t-shirt orders, enough to pay everyone’s rent for another month. He smiled contentedly and set out drawing the first figure of his next comic – making sure to connect the head to the torso.
XKCD was funny again.
“I… win.” Rob breathed, panting from the effort of the incredibly dramatic and entertaining battle that had just happened. “And soon,” he continued, “XKCD won’t suck anymore, for XKCD will be no more.”
It had been a long journey to this point, full of twists, turns, friends, enemies, celebrity cameos, and run-on sentences. Rob was almost sad to see it all end. Almost.
With a tempered glee, the blogger prepared to stab the webcomic artist through the heart. Randy didn’t say anything, instead racking his brain trying to think of a quotable one-liner.
The very air seemed to hold still as Rob drew his weapon back.
“Wait!” a lone voice cried out, not quite distant but not yet close either.
Both men turned their heads towards the source. It was a tall, unshaven male in a gray hoodie and jeans with dark, messy hair, making an awkward shuffle-run up the path to the summit of the mountain.
“Wait! Don’t kill him!” he yelled, a northeastern accent slurring the latter two words together.
After an awkward few seconds of stretching out the pause in the climatic death scene, Rob looked back at Randy, wondering if this was Mr. Munroe’s last resource. But Randy looked just as confused as he did.
In another thirty seconds, the unkempt surprise had reached the circle that had been the battleground for the last three chapters.
“It doesn’t have to be like this.” he said, pausing between words to breathe, heavier than would have been expected.
The two men looked back and forth between the newcomer and each other, their previous characterization melting a little.
“XKCD isn’t funny, that’s true.” The stranger began, stepping over and around the vestiges of battle. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t be. Randy, you’ve come up with some really, really good comics this last month. I just want to see that happen more often.”
The aforementioned ex-NASA employee slowly reached up with an uncertain hand to push the sharpened plastic sword aside. Rob let him. After a moment, the three were standing in a triangular formation within the larger circle.
Several weeks later, XKCD’s new editor had just woken up and was sitting down to read through a small stack of drafts. He wrote up his criticism and revisions, in a slightly kinder tone than usual, before sending them back to Randy.
The artist of the internet’s most popular webcomic checked his email, noting the changes and arriving at a happy medium that would again be sure to please his readers, old and new. Below his editor’s email there was another list of t-shirt orders, enough to pay everyone’s rent for another month. He smiled contentedly and set out drawing the first figure of his next comic – making sure to connect the head to the torso.
XKCD was funny again.
Like I say, this ending is completely canon. No take-backsies, pinky swear on my mother's life. Don't ask about the other 60 chapters. I never wrote 'em. Sorry.
Yeah, I basically got bored of writing this and gave up when I wrote myself into a corner, and didn't want to admit it. So... sorry. It wasn't even me who wrote this last chapter. It was actually Greg Greenwell of XKCD Isn't Funny fame who posted it a year ago. Please assign any praise/blame to him for this chapter, as well as flying the flag of XKCD hate well into the future. You should be mindlessly refreshing his page every day instead of mine. That is all.
Best wishes to you cuddlefish and now finally, I can die.
Best wishes to you cuddlefish and now finally, I can die.
